We woke up at 5am and headed straight for the airport. Within ten minutes we were checked in and through security, watching the world cup final highlights by the departure gate and checking our mail on the free wifi. It couldn't sound less like Heathrow, though they were happy to rip us off for drinks and suchlike, so not quite perfection.
The flight was good. I was intrigued, if not a tiny bit worried, about internal flights in China. It turns out that they are fine and a little amusing. There was an extremely dubious breakfast involving cabbage, dumplings, and other things, done in the traditional disgusting airline way. It was far too early for cabbage. Security and safety seemed fine, though people were allowed to leave their open bags on their laps during landing. They announced that they were going to land about 30 seconds before touching down, which was unusual.
We landed in Kunming and checked into our hotel, before unsuccessfully trying to get some sleep. We found a place for lunch in the guide book and took a cab there. The restaurant was an extremely cool looking temple-like building, and we sat in what I guess you would call the courtyard. We tried to take some pictures but the manager was a camera Nazi. The food was really good including little cucumbers. Eating lots of little cucumbers, however, is a lot like eating one normal sized cucumber. There was a nice cabbage dish and a meat dish which looked good but was essentially fat. Still, the atmosphere of the place made it very memorable, and I made sure to take pictures of the outside to annoy the manager.
We were not sure what to do in Kunming - we were only there because we couldn't fly directly to Dali. The internet seemed to suggest that the best thing to do near to the city was to go the Yunnan Ethnic Village. Yunnan is the area which Kunming is in, and there are apparently lots of ethnic minority groups there. We were both doubtful but took a taxi there.
We paid the entrance fee and I took out the additional insurance that covered me against any undisclosed but horrific events that might cause me harm. I was hoping for an amusing insurance certificate, but unbelievably it was written in Chinese and unattractive; what a waste of 15 pence.
The Chinese tourists were out in full force and desperate for pictures of me. The place was divided up with a different area for each minority group. Apparently each group sends people there to work. This had the effect of everyone being fantastically attractive, I guess when the group decided who to send, they choose send Stumpy the one-eyed leper to represent them. They wore their native clothes and some made stuff to sell to the tourists.
There were various performances going on, including one where an elephant would pick you on its trunk, but I thought I'd spare the elephant this ordeal. They were being pretty badly treated, controlled by hooks around an ear. The whole thing was pretty disillusioning and we decided to leave, but not before going to see a show in their big central arena. There were more beautiful people of various ethnicities dancing in colourful costumes, and.... that was it.
We tried to leave and found a taxi driver to take us. who gave us a fixed price We waited for the taxi driver infront of ours to get out of the way, and waited... and waited. In the end Lloyd asked the guy what was going on and we went and talked to the other driver. Very slowly. Then he said it was all OK and got back. Then we waited.... and then we decided to get another driver. He seemed like he might have been a bit high.
We got back to the hotel ok, but by that point I was feeling fairly wrong and Lloyd was tired so we decided that we would have a fairly quite one. We looked around the local area a bit (good pirate DVD shops) and hailed another taxi and asked to go to the central area where there are bars and restaurants. This was at the traffic lights so the driver pulled forwards so we could get in. I opened a rear door and stepped in. At this point, the bus next to us decided to pull forward albeit slowly. The bus clipped the car door and started pushing it forward off it its hinges. I jumped out of the car and bashed hard on the bus driver's window and he stopped. I tried to close the car door and it worked, so we drove on.
A few minutes later we pulled over and guy got out and opened and closed the door a few times. It looked like it might not be closing 100% correctly after all, and he rang someone on his mobile phone and then continued driving. A few minutes later still, he pulled over and started Chineseing at Lloyd in an angry tone. He was clearly trying to get some money out of us, and Lloyd Chinesed back at him to the effect that it wasn't our fault. Very impressive. The fare by this point was 80p, so I gave him the smallest note I had, which was £2. And then we walked away. Very, very quickly. We didn't know where we were, so we got another taxi to 'where the foreigners go to drink'.
We had a single drink, and I didn't risk any food on my dodgy-feeling stomach. The bar we found had bizarrely wonky floors and Jenga, and we called it a night after about an hour. Lloyd had a Bailey's cocktail- I thought it was important to record this fact.
Kunming does not appear to be the most exciting place, probably because we had come from Shanghai, which quite possibly is.
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